tips in the race of life

Are your pants falling down?

Is that old belt you use to give disobedient kids the strap frayed at the end?

(Incidentally, giving kids the strap is bad and you should probably stop doing it.)

(Mind you it never did me any long term damage and I did stop being cheeky in class, I stopped stealing, I stopped swearing, I eventually stopped defying ‘more, more, more’ and started crying.)

But back to the practical questions.

Can you afford the ridiculous prices they ask for new belts these days?

Do you slide change into your pocket only to realise later that you actually slid it into the gaping flaws in your belt and it fell straight through and now you have no change for that soy latte you just ordered?

I thought so.

What you need is the secret formula for BELT GLUE – and I’m about to give it to you.

‘Soak 50 parts of gelatin in water, pour off the excess of water, and heat on the water bath. With good stirring add, first, 5 parts, by weight, of glycerine, then ten parts, by weight, of turpentine, and 5 parts, by weight of linseed oil varnish and thin with water as required.’

Stop for a moment, go outside into the fresh air and vomit. One part lighter, by weight, of vomit, go back inside.

‘The ends (and frays and flaws) of the belt to be glued are warmed; then the hot glue is applied and united parts are subjected to strong pressure, allowing them to dry thus for 24 hours before the belt is used.’

You can now pull up your pants, strap the children and go get that coffee!

This formula is just one of 10,000 trade secrets, recipes and processes for home, farm and workshop that I’ve found in an absolute gem of a tome on the front wall of the old woman who is disappearing. It’s in the ADHESIVES chapter. Eight hundred pages later we’ll get to YEASTS, via WINES AND LIQUOR and NIPPLE OINTMENT and KEROSENE DEODORIZERS.

It’s astonishing, often toxic, and includes BATH TONIC FOR FLABBY FLESH which I will be revealing to you in coming blogs. Don’t you dare lose interest or pass out when you are doing up your belt.

You’ll notice I’m sorting a new theme. My old new theme doesn’t work on anything made this century. This one is not working properly yet either but we’ll get there! I wish I wasn’t already knackered by the time I get home from work and start on all this…

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