That’s my new exercise regime. Oh sure I could write a book, make a YouTube clip, make millions, but I’m going to give it away free to my loyal readers. Here’s how it works.
5 minutes of jogging – I do this on the way home, up a hill or two. Just enough to get me breathing heavily and thinking about a bottle of gin.
10 minutes of meditation – or ‘mindfulness’ as I think we’re calling it now. I sit on a chair in the back garden with my eyelids closed to the setting sun (vitamin D) and my hands resting comfortably on my thighs. I breathe in. I feel the breath entering my body, I feel its journey to my chest and bloodstream. I breathe out. I feel a bit dizzy already. I obviously don’t breathe properly during the day. Or maybe it’s the effect of all that ginless jogging. I breathe in. I wonder if I’m allowed to kill the mosquitoes I can feel biting me? I breathe out. I hear the 370 bus roar along Minogue Crescent at the bottom of the cliff. One morning I’m going to catch the 370 at 4.30 and …. breathe in…. watch the sunrise over Coogee Beach. I gently acknowledge these thoughts and plans which are not meant to be in my mindful head just now and put them aside. It should be good fun though. Put aside. I wonder if I should take my boogie board? I breathe out. Where are my board shorts? Put aside. I put aside too my awareness of a departing Qantas jet, possibly with the English cricket team on board. I slap blindly and hopefully kill one of God’s creatures, a mosquito on my ankle. I can’t remember if I’m meant to be breathing in or breathing out. Sometimes I pass out instead. I’m still perfecting this mindfulness phase.
15 push ups on the back lawn round out my daily routine. Every time I assume the push up pose my cat Eve appears from nowhere and lies on her back underneath my chest. The advantage of this love fest is that I can no longer lower myself too low so 15 push ups are suddenly possible. It’s more like planking and flexing my biceps. The disadvantage is that when my chest touches her outstretched paws she extends her claws and gives me a little tickle. Sometimes her claws catch in my shirt and for the next three push ups I’m lifting six kilograms of upsidedown Eve as well as 80 kilograms of me.
So there it is. redsall-style. 5 10 15. When I no longer pass out from mindfulness I might add 20 sit ups, and then 30 mls of The Glenlivet.