Vote Won

There is woman in our front garden. She’s been there for more than a week now but every morning when I come down the stairs I see her through the window and she scares the bejeesus out of me.

Her name is Verity. I put her there. I nailed her to a garden stake.

She’s our local Labor candidate and I’ll be voting for her and I want my neighbours to vote for her too. She’s on a poster.

She was Education Minister in the last Labor government and among other things she gave kids and parents the opportunity to take secular ethics classes rather than god-bothering blathering classes. That alone would get my vote, I think, but she did other good stuff too.

At the last election WE THE PEOPLE voted in a Greens candidate in our electorate. He’s an insincere, self-serving not very good Greens candidate – which is a great shame. On most measures I’m more green than Labor but not when our local Greens member is so bad and our former Labor member was so good.

I just wish she’d stop looming at my window when I walk down to the shower.

We have a State election here in New South Wales this weekend and I should probably be standing for election myself. That way I’d have no excuses and nothing to complain about. All my senses are alive and clicking. I have a clear gaze that can see a better community and society. I can hear bullshit even before I smell it. I can taste coffee in the morning, and it’s good.

That’s one thing we don’t need to change here in Sydney. The coffee is good. Sure, we’re all wankers but we’re bipartisan on this one.

I’ve thought about my manifesto for as long as it takes me to type this and if I was standing for election these would be some of my not-very-well-thought-out policies.

On weekends only kids will be allowed to get out of bed before 9am. They can do what they want, go where they want, unsupervised.

Jogging will be banned after 9am so that normal people don’t have to intersect and endure it.

People will have to stop walking or driving if they are talking on a mobile phone.

If they are walking and talking others will be authorised to push them over.

Those tan coloured slacks that hipsters wear will be banned. Banned, I tell you.

Supermarkets will be closed down. Large corner shops will probably be opened. I hope so.

Four wheel drives will be banned in Sydney but may be used elsewhere. The country, for example.

Nurses, teachers, carers, gardeners and men called Robert will be paid more.

Anyone wearing a suit will be paid less but still valued in a relevant, diminished way.

Mobile phone use on public transport will be banned. Banned, I tell you.

Said public transport will be free.

We won’t sell the electricity grid in a dud deal to Macquarie Bank.

There will be one free skydive per person per year.

Mobile phone use during skydives will be forbidden.

If you vote for me I’ll make up the rest of my belief system when I get onto those cushy green leather seats.

I’m sounding like a politician already…


3 thoughts on “Vote Won

  1. Ha! Yes. I’ll even put your campaign poster in my garden…Vote for redsall, it’s all downhill from here!

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